Tulip Sniper

Welcome to episode 4!

So, the previous three was actually the pilot (parts 1, 2, and 3).  So, now we know the networks liked the show, and voila, the Transformers were there every saturday morning for our enjoyment.  Accuracy and complete character developetment don’t have a lot of merit in the pilot, so the real action starts now.

So!  On with the shenanigans.

The intro is funny, because it’s just them running around and shooting lasers, or standing still and shooting lasers.  Did you see TF2?  I don’t think I saw a laser in that whole movie, just a lot of explosions.

I love the voice over guy, who has to recap what’s happening.

Cliffjumper immediately screams “Lookout! Decepticon!”.  It’s just a rock formation (which I’m guessing he’s seen every time he walks out of the ship?)  Optimus and Ironhide are standing below it and rubble falls.  Good going CJ.

Oh, and at the end of the last episode, the decepticon ship crashed into the water.  Now Ironhide mocks CJ because “we put them at the bottom of the ocean months ago”.  Now I know where TF1 got the idea to put Megatron at the bottom of the ocean.

The depticons have built a Sealab structure from their ship wreckage.  I’m guessing they don’t rust, ever.

Meanwhile, Shockwave on Cybertron sends out a message for Megatron.  After 400 million years he’s still groveling at Megatron’s feet.  Why didn’t you send rescue missions dumbass?  Oh, and they start talking like he’s never been gone!  And megatron wants to be ruler of the universe, not just Cybertron.

Spike is riding in Jazz, and they get stuck in a traffic jam.  Whenever I’m in a traffic jam I always daydream about having a flying car, or a car that can lift up and the wheels can go around other cars; I guess having the car be a robot would be equally as nice.

Gears looks funny.

Wow, I actually had to rewind this part to make sure it actually just happened:

So, Optimus and Co. see that Megatron is alive and well, and he’s draining energon from the “Solar power plant” (Yeah, like those exist.  Reagan didn’t stop at the white house when he removed the solar panels).  Obviously they go to stop them.  Instead of busting through the door, or a wall, they have to be ninja’s and jump through the plate glass window that’s on the roof.  They went through the trouble of getting ON the roof, to jump down into it.  They have no regard for the janitors who are going to have to clean that up.  And who the hell puts a window on their roof?

Haha, CJ is pathetic.  Talks big at Megatron, punches his leg once (because he’s half his size), then Megatron swats him away.

And now CJ goes after Starscream!  Somebody has issues.

Gears looks REALLY funny.  I want to laugh every time I see him.

There was an Optimus/Megatron battle in there too.  Optimus is pretty nimble.

Ironhide took a bullet for Optimus (Soundwave fired Megatron in gun form) and Ratchet is doing surgery on him.  Outside.  I’m glad they don’t have to be sterile or anything, and no anesthesia is needed.

Is Megatron “in gun form” really more powerful than “normal” Megatron and the gun thing on his arm?  It seems like the same power could be harnessed just through his arm.

Oh Spike, I’m surprised you don’t die (unless you do, nobody ruin that for me *shakes fist*)  Optimus has Bumblebee spy in the decepticons, and Spike volunteers to help, like he’s going to a Kiss concert or something.  What is wrong with the humans?

I need to stop pausing it and writing, I’m only a third through this episode.

Shockwave talks about Space Bridges!  Yay!  Only works for 11 minutes though, probably a power thing.

Bumblebee’s seats are pink.

SS/MT bickering:  Starscream says that Megatron’s space bridge was stupid, and that he’s going to find a way to do it himself.  Megatron says No, and Starscream doesn’t say another word.

And I called it, BB and Spike are in deep shit.  And how do you fall down a cliff if you’re trying to drive forwards?

BB: How are we going to get through this?
Spike: By the skin of our teeth.

Really Spike?  What are you going to do?  Nag Megatron to death?  Write in your diary journal some more?  BB points out that he didn’t know human’s had skin on their teeth.  It’s not a great saying to begin with, but him using it right now was even worse than normal.  A) Transformers don’t have Skin.  B) Transformers don’t have Teeth (that I’ve seen anyway.  The Fallen had some teeth in the movie I think, but nobody else really does.  Do Transformers even eat?  Or do they just drink Oil and Energy?)  Anyway, Spike is a retard, and his Dad, ‘Sparkplug’, has failed as a father.

HAHAHAHA, so they’re stuck in a transportation thing that will take them through the space bridge to Cyberton.  The first two cars were failures (they use the term “they’ve been aborted”, but that’s something you do BEFORE it fails.  You can’t abort something after it fails.)  Anyway, Spike says “blah blah Change blah blah” and BB is like “That’s It! Change”, changes into the car, and busts out of the car thing.  BB may be stupider than Spike.

This keeps getting better.  They’re both escaping, BB in car form, and Spike on foot.  Ravage is chasing them down a canal, and Spike is still running, and keeping up with, Bumblebee.  You know how retarded people have the strength of 10 men?  Spike instead has the legs of 10 men.  Or BB is being slow for no reason.  Get in the car stupid!

Starscream: “My null ray will stop you squirming for a while”

Oh Starscream, I bet you say that to ALL the ladies.

Also, if Transformers do have sex, Starscream probably gets laid way more than any other transformer.

Guh, Bumblebee is now mind wiped, and tells the autobots some information HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM ANYWAY.  ”They’re going to send Spike to Cyberton!”  Sparkplug says “Wait a minute! They’re not going to send my kid anywhere!”  Then why did you let him leave in the first place!  Parent of the year everybody.

Oh, okay, Bumblebee gave them fake information.

Now they’re trapped in a cave, and fighting.

Starscream fires a laser, Jazz rips up a stalagtite (or mite, the one that ‘grows’ up), and Ken Griffy Jr’s the laser, sending it back at him.  So, we can discern that these aren’t really lasers, but more generalized energy weapons.  Not that a Stalag-thing should be able to hit one back.

Soundwave is about to call Ravage, and Ironhide actually touches him.  I think that’s the first time I’ve seen SW in an actual fight.

… Megatron’s left fist goes inside his arm, and out comes a saw blade, which he then throws.  It creates a lot of smoke and allows Optimus to get behind him.  Then a laser thing comes out of Megatron’s left arm.

Anyway, the space bridge is ready again, MT orders SS to blast open the wall they created in the first place, they get out, and them MT goes Gun form, and SS shoots him and closes it back up again.  At least they weren’t born in a barn.

WTF?  I can’t go 10 seconds without having something else dumb happen.  Ratchet fixed Bumblebee, and Optimus asks him where the Space Bridge is.  ”I remember!  It’s by the Riverbed.  In the Desert”.  Again: Riverbed, Desert.

It takes three autobots with lasers to open the hole (Yeah Megatron, you really did due diligence to make sure they’d never leave that cave).  So, one Starscream laser equals three Autobot lasers.  That might be important later, but probably not.

Holy shit.  Optimus twists the nozzle of his gun, and he’s a fucking SNIPER too!  That was some Green Beret shit right there!  So spike is in this vehicle thing, and the laser first opens the roof/window thing (it’s all one piece) [and it opens nicely, like a button was pressed or something, nothing explodes].  Also, Spike is strapped in (like he was wearing a backpack or something, just two over his shoulders).  Optimus shoots each strap to free Spike.  To recap: Optimus hit a moving target, three times, two of which could have possibly killed Spike if he was a quarter of an inch off.

Oh! Megatron is caught in the bridge!  Starscream claims that MT is dead, and that he’s the leader now.  They retreat to base.  (Also, when he claimed he was the leader, another Starscream [same color] stood next to him, and they both turned their heads the same way at the same tmie, smooth move Animators)

Megatron makes it alive!  It’s a miracle!

The end.

This would probably work better as a Podcast, or a Vid-cast, as I’m finding that there’s a lot to complain about.  At first I just wanted to complain about the physics aspect, but the plot holes are more awesome.

Though, I’m sure there’s some legal stuff that would prevent me from showing every episode of The Transformers on my site, haha.